i have knees


welcome to my blog

song of the week: hey ya! - outkast


i pissed everyone off and now i want to kill myself WOO i told a kid who said he hated himself to not let this chick get to him because she's mean to everyone WOO and he read it outloud to her~ she was also my ex~ NOW EVERYONE HATES ME HIP HIP HOORAY

told my best friend i'd kill myself lolololololololololol

didn't actually do it, just thought about it.


one time i translated this website into norwegian and read it, it was fun.


hey ya by outkast makes me happy it's a good song.

time to go to math and physics homework. bye bye for now. x


lol i'm still alive. dw.

real tired of my grandma saying everything i wear is ugly and picking on me for it.

lol i hate my grandma

my grandparents: all trans people are drug dealers and lost souls who need to find JESUS in them. witches are against GODDDDDDDDDDD. gay people can CHANGEEEEEE.

me: a trans bisexual wiccan

when i say "i hate these two old christian conservatice racist, homophobic, xenophobic, sexist, transphobic people who mentally and verbally abused their children and now feel it is ok to treat their grandchildren as such. they force their family into a fucking cult and make them supress all means of individuality" no one fucking bats an eye but when i say "i hate my grandparents" everyone goes batshit crazy.

my grandparents when they say egyptians are ugly, stretch their eyes and say ching chong, get pissed at a white kid dying but don't care about any black people who've died under police brutality: teehee racism go brrrr

me: hey that's not cool, y'all say your christian but i thought christians weren't supposed to be hatefu


lol rest in peace l'manberg. i voted pog2020 but alas, no. they lost. (talking about minecraft youtube) bye bye for now. x


haven't updated in a while. things are eh. relapsed into my ed again and got back on ed twitter which in turn caused a sh relapse and i feel shit about my body especially because i'm dwelling on when my friend said i looked like a barcode thing when i was wearing shorts and you could see my stretch marks. on top of that my hair is way too long and it's making me very dysphoric. i haven't been updating because every time i talk about my problems it's like i feel a pit in my stomach i guess. idk. i don't really like to do it. on the bright side yesterday i had therapy and a coven meeting (i'm in a wiccan coven!) and those both went well. i'm getting a haircut soon but that comes after i go to the doctors. i have to get a flu shot and i'm scared of needles but i'll power through because how else will i be able to survive testosterone shots and top surgery and like piercings i want to get and stuff, y'know? bye bye for now. x

p.s. i'll update y'all on how that shot goes.


yesterday i mispelt independence as independance in minecraft and (friend) called me a wilbursoot ripoff. jokes on her lol cause she's a dream ripoff. things like that make me happy. banter with friends and stuff. i'd probably be dead without them. dunno if they know how greatful i am for them. despite (friend) being kind of a dick he's still pretty funny even though he denies it. (friend) is really cool despite being a dream ripoff, i trust her a lot. (friend) is also great even though she's got a lot of issues with her mental health i think she's a very kind person and i hope eventually she'll understand that. (friend) and (friend) are both pretty funny and i'm glad to have met them. i don't really talk with people from (group) anymore but i owe them a lot too. couple years ago they were my only friends and it really meant a lot to be able to chat with them. allthough i was a bit of a pain in the ass haha. i talked too much lol. i miss them. i hope i'll reconnect with them sometime in the future so i can thank them for all they've helped me through. i really do miss them though. none of them really hang out on (website) anymore though and (friend) deleted the discord server a while ago. (friend) actually messaged me a while ago to check in. i know they talk over twitter but idk how i would even aproach them. (creep) came onto one of my minecraft streams. i told (friend) about that who was bit pissed seeing as (creep) got away with everything he did. whatever. oh (friend) got a new cat. she's just a baby. she's real cute. i can't wait to hang out with him so i can give his kitty cuddles.

i wonder if anyone reads this lol. bye bye for now. x


the chances of me being a transman are very high. admiting it is difficult for me. my grandma always said trans people'd become addicted to drugs and go to jail. idk if you'd consider nicotine a drug (ik some ppl don't) but i guess i have step one down. thanks granny. i want to come out but i've always forced myself to be so feminine to appeal to everyone else's ideals of me so that i won't get in trouble. especially with my grandmother. i'll wait a while, hopefully start looking a bit more androgynous before i come out n then it'll be easier for people. i came out to (friend) as nonbinary who i know i've mentioned before on this diary but he just kinda was like "hmm yes but what if i called you a FEMALE you fucking girl female she." i mean not exactly that but still. i'm not nonbinary anyways though. whatever. the guy i like has a crush on (friend) too. but i think (friend) is straight. idk.

girls and boys by blur and verbatim by mother mother both make me very happy.

i have to leave my cool grandma's house tomorrow and resume the daily getting yelled at by my grandma. cool.

i live a pathetic life. wake up at four in the afternoon and space out for ages. might eat dinner, might make a youtube video (god knows when i'll edit it), might fuckin pass out, might watch porn just to feel something other than sad and fed up with my life. it's pathetic and it's selfish. IT'S REALLY FUCKING SELFISH AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THINGS! I WANT TO BE A BETTER FRIEND AND A BETTER CHILD OR GRANDCHILD AND I DON'T FUCKING KNOW HOW TO DO THAT. at the end of the day i just want my mom to call me her son and for people on the intenet to not refer to me as an e-girl but treat me like a fucking equal. i want to be able to dress and act how i want without being critsised. i know i misspelt that just there but honestly i don't feel like it. bye bye for now. x


can't sleep again. it's 4am and i have a therapy meeting at 10. pissed cause i wanted to pick out a therapist on my own but nope.

i've been up for 72hrs.

the ammount of pain that i am in is crazy. my legs have been sore for days and they really hurt. makes sense though because so far over quarantine i've gone from 5'3 to 5'5 and i'm still growing which is wack. i was really tall in 2nd grade and then i stopped growing for a long time so i guess i'm just now catching up. weird lmao. well, maybe not so much. my grandpa (mom's dad) didn't get his height until he was in collage. so i guess it's a mix of both sides (since my dad is 6'0 and his dad is 6'5 and his dad was 6'2.) plus apperently my grandma's (mom's mom) family is relatively tall and same with my grandma's (dad's mom.) family, but it's a bit more hit or miss there. kinda weird tho cause my mom is super short. i'm taller than her.

i actually liked this lady, she was nice to talk to.

i have a suicidal friend and i want to be there for her so she can tell me about things and so she has a person for that but it's really negatively affecting my mental health especially because then when i try to talk to her about my mental health she gets very angry at me. if you're going to rant to me i want it to at least be mutual. i don't have any friends i can rant to and it's really sucky. everyone just passes it off as not a big deal or they get annoyed. bye bye for now. x


i got told that my relationship with my grandma is mentally abusive on my grandma's part. interesting.

i really want to do liberty spikes. like i really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really want to do liberty spikes. i've been getting more into punk culture lately, like learning lace-code and anarchism and stuff. i want to make a pair of patch pants too but my biggest worry is my grandparents seeing as they are conservative christian old people and that doesn't really mix well with punk. idk. i will attempt. i will attempt to get into punk more. at the very least i just want to be more alt in my fashion. i really like alt music and the political side i totally agree with. not to mention i was kinda raised in a goth raver household where the alt radio station was always playing lmao. my mom's really toned it down though. she used to give off 60s goth vibes and now she just gives off mom vibes. mom vibes are ok though. i love my mom. she has a good mac n cheese recipe. i'll actually share it here.

it is hands down the best mac n cheese recipe. i suppose it isn't mac n cheese and more like shells n cheese but whatever, it's really good nonetheless. bye bye for now. x


this is the apology i sent to (friend): "I know I say sorry a lot to the point it may be sounding like bullshit but I just want to say again that I am. I do a lot of shitty stuff and I should start thinking about what I do more. I'll try to give you some more space because looking back on how I've acted it's pretty annoying I guess. I'm sorry I bug you so much and I'm sorry I say and do some bad shit that's either innapropriate, mean, or annoying. I get that I should probably grow up and act like a better person. I'm sorry I said bonjour really loud and I understand that wasn't cool. I'm really sorry about all the stupid shit I've done and I realise I'm not that good of a person. I do stuff I think is "funny" and it just ends up hurting my friends and that's not ok on my part at all. I get that I am very selfish and I do selfish things and I may appear to not care. I do care and I just want you to know I'm sorry. It's selfish of me to be sending you an apology like you will accept it because I have sent way too many apologies and they weren't even that good. So, I'm sorry. I'm going to bed now. Goodnight." and i don't know if she will be ok with it or not. in retrospect i'm not a very good/nice person. bye bye for now. x


i hate myself. bye bye for now. x


hi again there. i got to go to my dad's mom's beach house for a while (i will refer to her as grandma, not to be confused with my other grandma that i live with who hates me.) she had to go back to her house though because she picked up a temp job and i came with her. i have my own room at her house. anyways i was going to write while at the beach house but i forgot my laptop charger. i picked it up from the grandparents i live with though. unfortunately i got my 2D cosplay stuff but i forgot my binder. i also forgot to bring extra clothes. it's ok though because this time i brought my travel altar and a bunch of tiny bottles. at my grandma's house i can burn incense so that's pretty cool. my grandpa was eating celery with peanut butter on it and i thought it was pretty gross. usually he works a lot but right now my grandma is going to be the one working a lot so for dinner sometimes it'll just be my grandpa and i. that's ok though because he's pretty cool. sometimes he plays mario kart with me and that's always fun. i've been feeling happy during this past week actually. when i was at the beach i got to go for walks a lot with my grandma. she likes to go for walks and i like that. i'm just allergic to a lot lmao. i like walking too though despite the allergies. it's currently 2:05 and i'm more tired than usual right now. fingers crossed i get a good nights sleep. bye bye for now. x


wow a week later and i'm back. found out about a couple smaller punk bands and that's pretty awesome. heres what happened in my life past couple days: i've been extremely dysphoric ever since i had to go swimming. my swimsuit shows my chest way too much. my cousin and my friend had their birthdays. i still haven't gotten a smoke nor have i had time to cosplay. i've been really depressed to the point i can't do anything other than lay in my bed and cry.

so... it's currently 12:17 in the morning. i'm contemplating changing todays entry date to 7/26/20 but i think i'll just update it later today. the last two days the only thing i've been able to do is play tomodachi life, eat, and cry. tomodachi life is fun though. my mii is dating megpoid gumi right now and i think that's really funny. i'm also catching feelings for this one guy i know but idk... i won't say that i have a crush on him until quarantine is over and we can actually hang out. until then i'm just maybe catching feelings. bye bye for now. x


yeah so i summed up gorillaz lore. idk.

my grandma always says i'm such an angry person. no i get pissed at you when you act like a hypocritical bitch or you feel the need to insult everything i do. if anyone is an angry person it's you. grandpa tried to explain that for online school i wanted to do it at my desk which i had explained but you very clearly didn't understand because your such a dumb fuck. then you just imediately got this pouty 4yr old look on your face and stormed out. grandpa very calmly explained and you just had to be a fucking bitch. bye bye for now. x


i feel so unmotivated and tired all the time. i haven't been this depressed for a very long time. all i want to do is bury myself in my bed and cry. i don't want to do anything else anymore. i hate myself so much. i've been feeling really suicidal lately and i don't know what to do. i can't tell anyone except for writing in this stupid blog. if i tell anyone they'll send me to a psych ward. i don't want to go there because the ones in the state i live in are infamous for having abusive nurses. it scares me. i don't want to do anything anymore. i'm tired. i just want to die in my sleep. i just want to die in my sleep so bad.

i can't wait until i'm 18. i'm going to cut ties with the majority of my family once i graduate. move out of america. get top surgery and change my name. just kinda be who i want to be without being consistantly yelled at and told off.

i don't feel like a mean person, i don't feel selfish, i feel like i do have remourse. my grandma says i don't.

sometimes i wish my grandma would die. bye bye for now. x


wow! i actually updated the song of the week on time this week! isn't that funky. apologies for my last entry, it makes no sense. basically my mic broke and i bought a new one. anyways today i wanted to write because i'm going back to my sucky grandparents house. can't wait for them to be all pissed at me because they found my single cigarette or my travel altar or my binder. whatever man. i get in trouble for everything i do, it's not like this will be any worse. i found a post on instagram talking about unhealthy parent-child relationships and it make me realise how fucked up my grandparents really are. i just thought it was a few little things and that they just had some quirks. sure i hated it but whatever right. now people are telling me that they're mentally abusive and stuff. i dunno. might update this later. bye bye for now. x


so my mic on my headset is broken which makes it hard to like... chat with friends or record youtube videos WHICH SUCKS ASS BTW since i've been growing a lot lately. whatever though. theres really not much that's gone on other than my mic fucking dying. i've been really happy at my grandparents house. i found this one chick's cosplay account, she used to go to school with me. one of her friend's that she had tagged on her account cosplayed murdoc so ig that's snazzy. my hairs been growing real long and it's pretty annoying. really though i've been great. i haven't had any anxiety attacks, my dysphoria's been shitty as usual but i haven't thrown up, i didn't scratch myself, i've been eating well. the only thing that's still shit is my sleep schedule lmao. that's never been good, even when i was like a baby. i just like staying up late and sleeping in. my parents are the same way. they fucking SUCK in the morning and i guess thats been passsed onto me. i am starting to regret not bringing my 2D cosplay to my grandma's house because i have s o many oppertunities to cosplay here. i've been trying to find some music to listen to in my playlist and i dunno i'm not really feeling it... not even jack stauber or gorillaz. kinda wanna listen to grimes or poppy. i know they aren't very similar but like i mean stuff like girls in bikinis or we appreciate power. it's hard to write this right now because i'm not wearing my glasses and i dunno where they are. i can usually focus my eyes but i'm a bit tired right now and it's hard lol.

i've been having a lot of weird dreams lately and they are SO FUCKING WEIRD! i had a dream i was playing the guitar. legit that's it. i also had a dream that like all my favourite bands came to perform at my school and i got an autograph from the fucking 2D hologram... i have no clue man. i also had a dream that i drew really well which could be because i've been getting a lot better at art recently. like i've been figuring out how exactly to draw nipples n stuff. and i know that sounds weird. drawing nipples. BUT I SWEAR i am so proud of how i draw nipples now. god this is unrelated but i've really wanted to have a cigarette recently. i don't have any on me and i think i only have one in this one bag i have. it's probably bent or some shit. whatever, still'd try it anyways. aha i'm not even a fucking adult yet and i have a nicotine addiction. fun times fun times. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH also unrelated but i did a tea reading today! i got that my life will crumble from it and god damn. that's fun.

spotify keeps playing the same things over and over and over again. like ok yes i do like destroy boys and the neighborhood but i don't need that to be every song. if it's every song i get tired of it. i don't have a 35hr long playlist for no reason. btw might mention that on thr 4th of july i was scared to fucking death and i hid in the house. fuck america man. bad school systems, racisim, sexism, homophobia, bad healthcare, shit housing market, AND SCARY ASS FIREWORKS. bye bye for now. x


i'm at my other grandparents now. it's a lot nicer despite the fact they have trash toilet paper. however, i can have good conversations with my grandma and she's open to learning about things like the lgbt community and what exactly gen z is up to. she's a very nice lady. my grandpa is fun too. today we went down to the native americans reserve and bought illegal fireworks... so uhm... that's slightly terrifying lol. he usually goes to a different place so that he can pick up cherries too but that's like a 6 hour drive and this drive was only 1. their cat is a big meanie but i love her anyways. my grandma and i found her outside target, some lady was giving kittens away for free. today was a great day. i got to cleanse my room with incense which is something i've always wanted to do because i LOVE incense. so i got to do that. i got to have tea. my grandpa and i talked about maybe getting an apple tree. i went on a walk with my grandma but i got bit by something i'm alergic to and my legs got all itchy, it was fun nonetheless. i took a shower and the water was a bit cold but it was ok. it was probably cold because i had the bathroom window open. i also edited some parts of some youtube videos so that's good too. the only really bad thing that happened was my grandma started going off on how my dad wasn't a bad person. issue is, she was never there first hand. she never got yelled at, she didn't almost die at his hands, she wasn't the five year old at a drug deal, she didn't see her dad overdose in her own bedroom throwing up on her comforter and ruining it, she didn't see her mom get abused day after day after day. i guess when you don't expirence those things you still have hope that someone is good. my dad is not good though. he's been paying my mom money to spend on me recently though. hopefully that makes up for the years of unpaid child support and heath insurance that he was legally supposed to pay in order to have any custody over me. or shall we say hopefully it doesn't. money helps but i don't want him to have even a pinch of custody over me. sucks being a child without any control over my own situation. bye bye for now. x


i think patience is an important skill to have and allthough adults always preach about it... they don't always have it. hypocritical much? bye bye for now. x


the song of this week is lemons by loveleo because that's what i'm listening to right now. i was about to make it community gardens by the scary jokes but i didn't so hah. now i'm listening to lately it feels alright by kid bloom. this song came out in 2016 but it sounds SO fucking similar to a lot of the music i listened to in early childhood. that was all pretty much early twenty one pilots, the neighborhood, gorillaz, glass animals, tame impala, foster the people, blur, early panic at the disco, other alternative music n' such. mainly cause my mom always had the alternative radio running in the car. i also listened to a lot of rave music and sarah brightman... rave music because my parents were ravers... not sure about the sarah brightman though lol.

today i made earrings out of those mini hands you put on your fingers but these were mini hands you put on the mini hands you put on your fingers. i used those ones since they're more lightweight and better for ears lol. i also made mini baby earrings and melted several babies into small mushroom demon critters. i'm mailing two burnt babies as well as some normal ones to my friend (friend.) i typed his adress with my typewriter. one thing that bugs be about him is that he uses the name i chose but he doesn't use my pronouns. he still uses she/her. it makes me very uncomfortable. i don't know if he's like... embarrased to use my pronouns? they aren't neopronouns or anything. i use they/them pronouns. those are like... the least hard pronouns to use. idk man... i put my discord name on the envelope because it's a bit of an inside joke between us. dunno if that's not allowed but idrc. just got a spotify ad about nailpolish and it reminds me that i really want to paint my nails black. i'll have to wait for a time i can make some extra cash to order some though. i have top and bottom coat, just no black nailpolish. i like black nails, i think they look cool. plus they go with p much anything.

jack stauber is such a good musician. he's definitely an aquired taste, but i swear i love his music so much. i usually get very of tired of songs i listen to on repeat but i've never found myself getting tired of his songs. there's so much that goes on in them that it's like an easter egg hunt for my ears. i'm currently listening to beird which is on my favourite album of his, hi-lo. hi-lo is probably my most favourite album of all time. especially john & nancy. i love that song so goddamn much.

soon i'm going to my other grandma's house over the 4th of july. i'm excited. my grandma was the first person i came out to as bisexual, which was a very big turning point in my life. since then i've been able to find a lot more about myself like my gender and such. she's a very nice person. i haven't told her about my gender and frankly i'm a bit scared to because she's expressed she doesn't really understand it. however she's a very accepting person. very different from the grandparents i currently live with whom are blantantly racist, very conservative, force their religion onto me, and don't recognize that they have white privelage which as white people is very important to know that way we can try and help fix our fucked up society. my other grandma is cool.

spotify has been playing song 2 by blur a lot recently. this song used to play on the radio a lot when i was really little despite me being a lot younger than the song itself. i like it though, it's catchy. i apologised to my mom today btw. bye bye for now. x


today i started teaching my cousin how to play the piano. she was able to play ode to joy fairly well. i also worked on playing oh klahoma by jack stauber on the guitar and that was good. i was able to match the tempo of the song very well when i played along with it. progress! today i had breakfast but we had no jam only nutella and it wasn't that good because nutella is a little too gooey for me. i do like chocolate and hazelnut though. we had pizza for dinner and then my cousins left. my grandparent's talked about what happened with my mom. my punishment is that i won't be able to leave the house for anything fun for a couple months. it sucks but i deserve it. i won't be allowed to get my hair cut either. my grandma almost canceled my eye doctors appointment because of it. i need to go to the eye doctors though because i have a feeling my perscription changed so she didn't cancel it since it's important. plus, wouldn't call that fun. i hate getting my eyes dialated. i also am going to get a therapist. for anger issues though. that's not what i want. i want a therapist who can help me with my anxiety. that's why the last therapists have sucked so much. they were helping me with the wrong things. i need help with my anxiety and childhood trauma. that's what i think will help me better myself. i want to learn ways to cope with trauma and i want to learn ways to calm my anxiety. i think if i learn those things i will end up bettering myself and i'll be able to not be so hindered by it anymore. idk. my grandparents won't listen though, and they'd probably just chuck me into a psych ward. they even threatened that. psych wards scare me especially in the state i live in. the nurses who work there have a bad reputation for being very mean people, yelling and stuff. my grandma said "you have a lot of anger in you and i don't know what it's from" and then went on rambling. i don't think i do. i'm just really scared of everything. i don't feel angry. i feel scared. she also got mad at me because i was looking at her while she was talking and that wasn't very nice. she said i looked angry. she says this a lot and i don't like it because when she says it i don't feel angry so it's an untrue statement. it's ok though because i've grown to expect it now. i have to find a way to apologise to my mom. i don't know how. my grandpa told me just to say sorry over text. literally just. sorry. i don't think theres enough emotion in that to be seen on her end as something that really means sorry. my grandpa said that because i am a writer i should be able to come up with something. writing about fiction is no where near to genuinely saying something that is meant to be carried with emotion. if i were writing to her in fiction it would be fiction and thus not genuine which isn't what an apology is supposed to be. i'm having a really hard time with this because i don't know what to do. i'm going to go on one of those apps where you ask real people what to do in a situation and you do it anonymously. i think that will give me good answers because it will be real people and not wiki how. bye bye for now. x

so, i put it on quora anonymously. here's the link to it it's really hard to read but it's in the middle of "link" and "it's"


things today are better than yesterday. i woke up at about 6:40am when no one else is awake. like anytime i wake up, i was thirsty. so i had to go downstairs and get some water. i had to keep my dog from barking at me WHICH i sucessfully did. i'm hungry because yesterday i was too anxious to eat so all i had was stale bannana bread. today i feel better so when my grandparents get up to feed the dog i'll go down to make some toast. my aunt made strawberry jam but i think we're almost out of it so i might use her jam on one slice and nutella on the other.

it's still early. it reminds me of when i was little and i'd get up early when my grandparents weren't up so i could spend over two hours on my computer. sneaky lol. now i don't have a computer time limit but back then i did. but i'd get up real early when all the birds are still out chirping. plus i really only did it during the summer so it was still sunny out. a funny thing i've learned over the years is that at my grandparents house in winter, all of the outside is completely dark... but at my mom's house in winter it's not and you can still see perfectly fine. it's funny because they only live about 25 minuets away from each other but theres that much of a difference. also my grandparents get more fog and my mom gets more ice and dew. i think i might actually play some roblox. that's what i'd do when i was little and i'd get up early. i still do play roblox because if you've ever messed around in roblox studio it really makes you take a step back to respect the developers work. and hey, i'm not out here playing fucking adopt me lmao.

i got my toast. my grandpa was downstairs but i told him about how i had to keep the dog from barking and he laughed so i think we're on better terms now. my cousins are coming to stay today. i came out to my cousin as bisexual the last time they were over. i had to explain it to her. i just said "you know how boys like girls and girls like boys? well some girls like girls and some boys like boys. some girls like girls AND boys and some boys like girls and boys. i just happen to like girls and boys." however i can't really come out to her about the nonbinary part yet. bye bye for now. x


i've been thinking about what i want to do with my life and i think i want to go into music. music means a lot to me plus i've had the idea of it as a carrer in my head for as long as i can remember. however, i've always been ashamed of it. i remember when i was in 2nd grade i wanted to say that i wanted to be a "popstar" (lmao i kid you not) and i put down vet instead. it's either that or something to do with the gaming industry. the issue with music though is that while i can write good lyrics i can't write the instrument part. writing lyrics is easy. you take a topic your passionate about and write about it in a structure in which it would work with a melody. make the structure interesting so that it has a good feel to it. ex: gotye's "somebody that i used to know" was really good because it has two lyrics verses before a chorus which lets you savour the unique sounds he put into the song AND the narative it tells. it is also unique and our ears like that. it's unique because most songs try to rush to the chorus. throw in some metaphors and boom, lyrics. i'm just bad at the instruments part and i never know if its lyrics first or instruments first. idk, practice makes perfect right?

i was supposed to get my hair cut today. my hair gives me a lot of dysphoria. i was excited. i showed the hairdresser a photo of what i wanted but i didn't understand what she was saying and i started to have a terrible anxiety attack because i was talking to her too much and i don't like talking to people so my mom and i left and i started crying because i was scared my grandma would get mad at me and so i was freaking out and i started to feel claustraphobic in my moms car and i hit her and i don't know why i did that and i hate myself for that i really really really hate myself for that because i'm not any better than my dad and i don't wanna be like my dad but that's exactly what i'm like but i don't want to be like him. i'm sorry i hit my mom. i don't know how to give her a good enough apology. i love her but now she probably doesn't love me. i threw my glasses because my grandpa went through my phone because he wanted me to get into his car but i wasn't because i didn't want my grandma to yell at me and i needed to get his attention before he saw something that could out me or just piss him off so i threw my glasses and now they are broken. he grabbed me and it hurt and my arm is bruised and it hurts. i was also freaking out and when i freak out i scratch my arm and so now my arm is covered in scabs. i hate myself. i don't know why i'm like this. i really hate myself. i just want to be a good kid for my family and i want them to finally be proud of me but i don't know how to do that because all i do is stuff like this and i can't forgive myself for that and they can't forgive me either and i understand that but i still just want them to love me and be able to say they are proud of me. i just want them to be proud. bye bye for now. x


i am worried i'm going to fall back into my ed. i had a really bad problem last summer and i don't really want that to happen again. it wasn't fun. i would much rather lose weight via working out and being healthy but without my friends around to help me not fuck up it's really hard. is that selfish? idk. anyways. today my grandma and i went to the garden center and got plants, specifically chocolate mint and lavender. tomorrow we want to go to a different garden center that has chamomile and a better rose selection. this is all for tea (and a sneaky way to get stuff for my craft heehee.) i want to get another carnivorous plant. i used to have a nepenthes (monkey cup) but it died when i went away to disneyland two summers ago because my grandma didn't know how to care for it. it was really sad. bye bye for now. x


i went to my moms a while ago but i left really quickly cause her house was dirty so i played a bunch of minecraft at my grandparents. they weren't home so i wanted to swear but i really didn't. i think i'm just afraid to swear at their house in general. i swear a lot more at school and on text n' stuff. bye bye fo now. x


i've made the song of the week get it up by mindless self indulgence because it is about erectile dysfunction and it's also really catchy and i like msi. i forgot that i had a lucas the spider stuffed animal. it's supposed to have a voicebox but it just sounds like demonic screeching. tomorrow i think i'm going to be very productive. i'm going to clean, water my plants, work out, and meditate. i'm a bit excited. soon my grandpa is painting one of my walls red and i really like that. he has the paint so that's cool. one of my closest friends started hitting on me which isn't cool. especially because he's one of the first people i came out to but has since decided to deadname me and use the wrong pronouns and it makes me feel like shit. i think it was because of this one guy he's friends with who has been blatantly transphobic and seems proud of it. he (friend of friend) has also refered to me with it pronouns. needless to say after i got off call with them i threw up from having such a bad anxiety attack. and that my friends is why i want to go to a therapist. i think im diagnosed with high functioning depression but my last therapist didn't communicate well so i want a therapist who can actually talk with me. i've had four therapists in the past and i didn't feel like i could trust any of them. i gave them enough info to leave me alone. told 'em about my abusive dad, told 'em i didn't get along well with my grandma, simple things. i managed to not talk about me the entire time which is what i was really avoiding... however you may call me selfish but i want a therapist i can trust to tell ME problems too.

so... my grandma is kind of racist. actually really racist. she's said shit like "ching chong chong ching" to mock asian people before n stuff... she got all pissed the other day becuase she found out lego stopped selling police sets for black lives matter (they also donated 4mil!!! we stan lego here on i-have-knees!) my grandma also refused to refer to my best friend's nonbinary sibling with their pronouns because it would "confuse my cousins." however i think she's being a bitch. unfortunately my best friend doesn't refer to her sibling with their pronouns either which is why i am afraid to come out to her. anyways i drink a lot of sparkling water and my grandparents got a new flavour... "limoncello la croix." i don't like la croix because it tastes weird and it's more expinsive but my grandparents are rich as fuck so whatever man. it tastes like cake and i'm not sure if i like it or not. i got to hang out with my cousins who have goats, chickens, parakeets, ducks, bees, a tortise, and a dog. their goat (goat) headbutted my knee and it hurt like hell. bye bye for now. x


i haven't posted anything for a while but don't worry, i'm still alive. i moved in with my grandparents (oh hurray... sOoOo fun.) it's ok though. i have more privacy here despite the fact i have to hide literally everything. my binder, travel alter, and bi pride flag are safe away in my closet. i get to paint my wall red which is exciting. i've been thinking of dying my hair red tbh... but idk theres some other colours i've thought of.

i think i'll go with red though because peach and platinum blonde do a lot of damage and i think blue would be a bit too on the nose. i do want to get a "k. f. c." tattoo sometime in my life though. people probably wouldn't care unless they're a gorillaz fan too. i think it's a bit less on the nose. one chick got plastic beach tattooed real big on her torso... i probably wouldn't do that haha. anywyas... i'm going to get a haircut soon. i want to go with my mom since i think my grandma would freak. i'm doing something kinda androgynous but more femminine so my grandma dosen't slaughter me. i'd like to do something a tad more masculine but whatever. this lesbian chick keeps trying to message me but i can't call with her because she swears a lot and i don't know where my earbuds are. plus i just don't want to talk with people today. sometimes i need to be alone... i told that to my grandma and she asked if i was depressed (not like i would tell her if something was going on, i'm more inclined to tell my mom... my grandma would probably just tell me to pray or some shit...) OH SPEAKING OF praying... they want me to go to online church and at first it sounded like a question but then turned into more of a threat. this song just came on spotify and i've never heard it before but i really like it. it's called fuckin 'n' rollin by phantastic ferniture. it's very much so the type of music i like. i think i'm going to edit one of my backlogged youtube videos now... it's of my best friend (friend) and i playing minecraft together. bye bye for now. x


i found a part of witchtok that hexes people a bunch and i don't like it... i'm a wiccan and i really like to follow the wiccan rede and rule of three... so... idk. it's their choices tho so i'm just going to keep these thoughts to myseld (and my blog of course.) ANYWAYS pride month is very soon and i think i'm going to whip out my bi pride flag and go skating outside... with my pride flag... idk just want to celebrate somehow. i've never been to a pride parade before and it's sad that there will be none this year. it'd be bad anyways with all the ACAB riots going on... the city was on fire last night, it was scary.

my mom was trying to explain the gettysburg address to me because i didn't understand a question on a social studies worksheet and she started yelling at me and she said i wasn't for equality and i was really confused... so even though i don't really like my grandparents i know my grandpa is really smart and he has a teaching degree so i called him to ask him what i should answer for the question because it was "what is your reaction to the gettysburg adress." i was crying though (still am) and it's making me feel very dysphoric because it's a girly thing to cry and i don't want to be a girl. it really sucks because during school time i was supposed to get re-tested for learning disabilities which would be good because i THINK (note thing, im not self diagnosing) i have adhd... i exhibit a lot of the traits associated with it and i have dyscalculia which commonly goes hand in hand with adhd... i just think getting re-tested would be a good idea and i am going to be tested at the beginning of next year. i'm going to finish my worksheet now... bye bye for now. x


i was thinking about my cat's death and how sad i'll be when that happens. it won't happen for a while though because he's 9. i'm listening to buttercup by jack stauber right now and it got me thinking about how much my musical taste has changed. i listen to a lot heavy-er alternative music now (more punk-esque music) rather than the indie music i listened to at the beginning of the year. i still listen to some indie music though... variety is important. i also really like rap now, most noteably lil darkie, bbno$, yung gravy, and hooligan chase. i like those guys. spotify is playing a lot of jack stauber right now and i like it. jack stauber is my favourite artist allthough most people think it's gorillaz. gorillaz is my second... i really like the sound of jack stauber's music. i think his older albums like finite form and viator are very very underrated. finite form has some really good songs like runaway and windrag. i like some viator songs too. i think the reason these albums are so underrated is because he didn't really get his signature sound until pop food. ever since pop food his musics been getting weirder which i like. my favourite album is hilo.

my grandparents aren't letting me have my grandpa's office room meaning that it will be harder to swear without getting in trouble. as for smoking i'll just do that either when they aren't home or after school somewhere. :P my youtube channel has been doing really well. the sad thing is that over 90% of my viewers aren't subscribed but i think the reason for that is because i made a video on how to do a loli voice and people may have clicked on my channel and realised that i post shitty gaming videos and bounced. kinda sad but whatever. i have 27 subscribers now... most of them are mutuals though. it's ok... if i keep uploading i'll grow bigger. determination. when i get monotized (if i get monotized) i can add that money to a collage fund r something. i don't know what i want to go to collage for but i want to get an education because my mom never did and she's fucked now, working at some shitty bar and being payed a little over minimum wage. i don't want that life. i want to have a sustainable job. america probably isn't the place to do that though so i want to move elsewhere when i get older and have enough money. the top places i've thought about are japan, norway, or the uk. i know the uk has problems though so... i need to get back on learning norwegian. jeg forsta litt allerede. i also need to get back on japanese which i know less of compaired to norwegian. i think i'm going to head out... dunno if i will edit this later today so bye bye for now. x


my mom started talking about bras and it made me feel really dysphoric... i haven't come out to her yet though so she doesn't know. anyways... remember when clint eastwood (gorillaz) was in the trolls movie? that version of the song is stuck in my head and i haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate it... wouldn't be the only time there was a trash cover of a gorillaz song *ahem* kidz bop feel good inc *ahem.* yesterday i built a house in minecraft with a bunch of mods and i really liked it. chisel and bits helped a lot because it let me have a ceiling colour and a floor colour without making it look all clunky + it let me diffine some bits of the house without using a bunch of trap doors and shit.

i recorded some videos for my youtube channel which was fun... i might link it in the future. oh also i told my cat i loved him and he meowed back so i think he loves me too. i'm moving back in with my grandparents because the state i live in is opening back up again (we have no new corona cases.) i want to trade rooms with my grandpa's office because of the following reasons:

  1. it has a window seat that goes directly into the sun meaning i will be able to have more plants.
  2. it is the furthest bedroom from the living room and my grandparent's bedroom, thus i'll be able to get away with more
  3. it is a really cold room which i like
  4. it has these really big bookshelves that are really nice and i'll be able to keep my crystals, books, cosplay wigs, cds, etc. on.

i'm a bit sad that i can't put any pride flags in my room though. my grandparents are very homophobic. i bought a bisexual pride flag a while ago which i won't be able to hang in my room there. plus i have a binder which i will have to hide well because my grandma goes through my stuff. i'll also have to hide my cigarettes, razor blades, candles, lighters, pentacles, basically everything. plus i ordered a gorillaz almanac which is going to come in october and my grandparents would probably NOT have that so i'll have to hide that too... i hide this stuff all anyways though so whatever. i may also have to hide my 2D cosplay ('less they don't figure out it's from gorillaz.) damn this is going to be a pain in the ass. it was a pain in the ass when i lived with them before too. i'm also sad because i won't be able to see my cats as much. my mom said that we'll be able to hang out every sunday though which is good cause then i can see my cats, especially my cat (cat) because he loves me a lot. anyways, since the state is opening up again i will be able to hang out with (friend) and (friend.) (friend) said a while ago that once quarantine ends he'll let me do his makeup like an e-girl for youtube content. i'm excited to see (friend) too because i havent talked with her as much as i have with (friend) supprisingly enough and i miss her a lot. we did play minecraft a couple nights ago though which was fun. i was also on an amino with her but i got banned on my third day there for "not clarifying that a sexual refrence was a joke" (i drew a dick shaped giraffe, dunno how the fuck you missed that one. big r/woooosh moment but whatever.) i'm off to go edit a video now. bye bye for now. x


today has been an ok day. i slept in because last night i stayed up 'til 2am playing minecraft with (friend). it was fun but it made my mom mad because i was being really loud at one point which woke her up... she ordered burgers for dinner from this cute 50's style diner. those are the only burgers i like with mayo and ketchup on them. actually, i'm ok with ketchup on mcdonalds... allthough i don't really like mcdonalds. i perfer this place because it doesn't taste like trash. at the end of the day i'm not much for fast food. now i'm off to shower, might check in a little later and write some more.

i'm back from my shower. i was trying to take a nap out on the couch because it's hot in my room and the air conditioning is in the living room (more-so the dining room but the two are connected. i actually got some sleep in before my mom came in and turned on the tv. we had an argument about how she watches tv all day and had plenty of time to watch it earlier and how she also has a tablet she can watch netflix and stuff on (we don't have cable) and how it's too hot in my room to sleep. she got pissed and called my grandparents. my grandma answered (she hates my mom and i A LOT) and she hung up on my mom cause she got pissed too. i told my mom i wanted to move back in with my grandparents because they have more recourses but it's really because they treat me like an actual child when my mom treats me like a friend. i don't want a friend because thats what i have (friend) and (friend) for. i want a mom. i already have to go dad-less which is something i really wish i had (a dad). so i just wish my mom treated me like her child instead of gossiping to me, bragging about her boyfriend, pushing all her work stress onto me, etc. i know it's hard being a single mother with a teenager but she's 43. it's time she start acting her age. she can't even clean her fucking house or take care of our cats. when she was on the phone with grandma i asked if i could talk with her (grandma) because she (my mom) was just talking shit about me. she was all like "THEN WHY DO YOU ASK ME TO GET SODA FOR YOU FROM YOUR ROOM" which i only did once while i was on the phone with someone and i asked very nicely (it wasn't even soda, it was sparkling water.) i'm going to go watch some old DanTDM mod reviews because those are rather nostalgic and i wanna see if i can find any good mods for 1.12.2 minecraft that'll pair nicely with the ones i have already. bye bye for now. x